Harry Potter and the Dark and Stormy Night
by xxlei
Summary: The night was dark and stormy. And very random. R&R!
1. Three Cheers for Shred!

**Summary: ** The night was dark and stormy. And very random. R&R!

**Disclaimer: **Nothing. I own.

**A/N: **I got so totally bored in English, so I was writing down everything people said. No wonder this so random!

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It was a dark and stormy night. The trees were blowing in the wind (the wind blew the trees after, of course). It was very cold. So cold, in fact, that inside the Great Hall Hermione stood up and began to cheer a little cheer.

"Brr! It's cold outside. It must be something in the atmosphere!" she sat down again. No one said anything, because no one had any idea what went next in the cheer.

"Oh my god. That's so cool! It's Shipley, Fred—Shred!" said an extremely ditzy blond.

"Three cheers for Shred!" yelled Ron.

"HIP HIP HOORAY!" the entire hall shouted. Professor McGonagall seemed to think 'three cheers' meant 'CHEER CHEER CHEER!" so she proceeded to say this, and wound up looking very stupid. She then did a jig, and walked out of the hall. Dumbledore stood up.

"Announcement. I have a," he spoke in a weird form of Pig Latin, which he invented. It was called Sentence Pig Latin. "Classes. Tomorrow there will be no." Everyone in the hall groaned. They liked classes.

Ron stood up again. "Three cheers for classes!" Everyone cheered again.

"Squid. We will be giving free rides on the Giant," Dumbledore continued after he said the three cheers. "Cream. There will be ice. Carnival. In fact, it will be very like a Muggle!"

"Hey! That's my book!" a boy from the Hufflepuff table shouted. On the word book, his voice went _crack! _It didn't actually crack, though. Why do people say that? It squeaked. Like a mouse. "My voice cracked!" the boy said, as if no one knew. Then everyone laughed a little laugh.

Hermione stood up as well. She began to sing. "I had a little mommy, my mommy said to me!" But she didn't know the rest of the song, so she said "Meatballs, of yourself!" and sat down.

"Idol. It is time for Hogwarts!" Dumbledore announced, and sat down. It was time for the Hogwarts Idol. Ginny was first up to sing.

_"I know we're gonna get, know we're gonna get, get...bombastic love, so fantastic. Where I'm completely yours and you are mine. And it's gonna be exactly like in a movie when we fall in love for the first time."_

Over at the Slytherin table, Draco was having some problems. Some stupid person had spilled seltzer all over his pants, and it looked like he had an accident. It was wet. And very cold. Pansy giggled.

"A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants!" she laughed, taking a napkin and trying to wipe the wetness off his pants, but all she ended up doing was prodding and poking. Er, down there.

"OOOOH. MORE!" Draco suddenly yelled, and Ginny stopped singing. "Er. More singing!" Draco said hastily, and grabbed Pansy. He threw her into a nearby broom closet, and closed the door behind them.

It was time for the judge's comments.

"That was wonderful, Ginny. Very nicely enunciated. The only advice I would give is maybe you should dance a bit less," said Professor McGonagall.

"Uh, yeah, yo. You go some nice voice, yo," said Professor Binns.

"I've only got one word for you," said Professor Snape. "Simply awful."

That was two words.

"Turn. Harry, it is your," Professor Dumbledore said.

"I'm singing 'Drop It Like It's Hot'," he told everyone, and began.

_"When the pimp's in the crib, ma. Drop it like it's hot. Drop it like it's hot. Drop it like it's hot. When the pigs try to get at ya. Park it like it's hot. Park it like it's hot. Park it like it's hot. And if a nigga get a attitude. Pop it like it's hot. Pop it like it's hot. Pop it like it's hot."_

Pansy and Draco stumbled out of the closet again. "That was goood," Draco said into Pansy's neck. Draco was too busy being fixated with Pansy's neck, and when he went to sit down in his seat he fell in Millicent Bulstrode's lap.

"Oh, Draco! That feels yum!" she crowed, and with her incredible strength she picked him up and carried him back into the same broom closet that he had just come out of. Draco didn't mind. He was feeling horny anyway. But that didn't seem to matter, because a boy and girl already inhabited the broom closet. The girl had a huge ass and big boobs, and the boy was an extremely hot hunk of meat. They were going at it pretty hot and heavy, and Millicent and Draco didn't want to disrupt them.

Right then, Draco's horniness took over, and he jumped on top of Millicent. Right before he did so, he heard the girl inside the closet moan. She sounded like she said. "Oh, Jub!" but Draco didn't see how a person could be named 'Jub" and continued making out with Millicent.

"_And we wish you a merry Christmas, and we wish you a merry Christmas, and we wish you we wish you a happy new year!" _sang Ron. _"Ha la la. Ha la la la. Ha la la la la la la la la la!" _

And then an atomic bomb dropped on Hogwarts and everyone died.


	2. The Draco Is A Sexy Bastard Society

**Summary: ** The night was dark and stormy. And very random. R&R!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Jack Sparrow (wish I did), 13 Going on 30, those t-shirts, I, Robot, or S Club 7.

**A/N:** I know I killed everyone last chapter. But let's just pretend that they came back from the dead. Or maybe this should just be a separate story…but it's too much like the first.

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Draco was the head of a secret society. (Secret society! Secret society!). He called it the Draco Is A Sexy Bastard Society (DIASBS). So far, he was the only member. But he was trying to get new members. (**A/N: **I mean members like people, not members like being dismembered.) He made special green colored pins that said, "I think Draco is a sexy bastard." He had been trying to get all the boys in his dorm to join his society. But no one would. He wondered why. He knew that everyone knew he was a sexy bastard. So why wouldn't anyone join his society? It puzzled him a great deal. He had done everything he could to make the boys in his dorm to join the society. He had even done a sexy dance! It involved him taking his clothes off. He had gotten the idea from a Muggle movie called 13 Going On 30. A sexy man had done a sexy dance, so he thought that everyone else would think it was sexy and join his society. But they all just laughed. So he decided to take the special green pins to the Great Hall and make everyone join his society. First, he showed it to Pansy Parkinson.

"I'll be part of your society if we can go into the closet again," she told him. Him she told. So he took her into the closet, and they did bad things to each other. Very bad things.

Suddenly, the doors to the Great Hall burst open. Like a bubble! Except with wood. A man walked into the Hall. He was a funny man. He had a weird triangular shaped hat on, and was carrying a sword. A sword????? This is the 21st century, for god's sake. Everybody stared at him until Dumbledore stood up.

"Jack Sparrow! My old friend! You're here!" he shouted, and ran and gave Jack a huge hug. A hug huge. A hug hug. A huge huge. Dumbledore led Jack to a seat at a table, just as Draco and Pansy came out of the closet. Draco noticed Jack Sparrow.

"OOOOH!" he shouted. Shouted he. "A SEXY MAN FOR MY SEXY SOCEITY!" He ran over to Jack.

"The name's Malfoy," he said over Dumbledore. "Draco Malfoy." He leaned his elbow on the table. "I would like to personally offer you a place in my secret society. It's called the Draco Is A Sexy Bastard Society."

"Ah, Draco. May I talk to you for a second," asked Dumbledore. Dumbledore did he ask. (**A/N: **It's really fun, saying everything backwards. You should try it sometime.)

"I'm speaking to a sexy man. Don't interrupt me!' Draco yelled. Sam I Am. Am I Sam? Dumbledore pulled Draco to the side. By his arm. And it hurt. "I have something to tell you about my friend, Jack Sparrow. You see, he's an oversexed ex-druggie from the sixties, and I don't want him getting back into any bad habits. So no secret societies for him, alright?"

"Alright," pouted Draco, and went off to pout some more pouts in the corner.

A man was walking around selling t-shirts. He went up to Harry, Ron, and Hermione and asked if they would like to buy some. "We have all sorts of t shirts," he held one up. "This one says 'Save Mary Kate!' and this one says 'Free Winona!" and they're all very cheap. Only one dollar each!"

"What's a dollar?" asked Ron, confusedly, as Pansy went to join Draco in the corner.

"I know what'll make you feel better," she said, trying to sound sexy. She unzipped her sweatshirt a bit. "Come into the closet?"

Draco felt like pouting a bit more. Only one person had joined DIASBS so far. And that was Pansy. But since he was a horny bastard as well as a sexy bastard, he followed her into the closet.

Suddenly, a robot crashed through the ceiling and hit the floor with a bang! Five bagijillion more robots followed. They began to fight everyone in the room. Boom! Bam! BOOM! People were dying everywhere. Someone had the ingenious idea of getting out a gun and shooting the robots. BOOOM! One robot went to robot hell. BAJOOM! A head was shot of another robot. All the robots had funny little red lights coming out of their stomach. Hermione thought they were having their periods. But actually, a computer who told them to take over the world was just controlling them.

Harry stood up. "I WILL SAVE THE WORLD AGAIN!" he screamed, and grabbed Jack Sparrow's sword.

The lights in the Hall dimmed. A deep voice came out of nowhere.

"S Club 7!" it announced officially, and seven boys and girls magically appeared on a magical stage. Everybody clapped. A guy started to sing.

_DJ got the party started. _

_There's no end in sight. _

_Everybody's moving to the rhythm that's inside. _

_It's a crazy world. _

_But tonight's the right situation._

_Don't get left behind. _

A man crashed into the Hall from the hole the robots (who were now sitting like good children and watching the concert) had come from. He walked up to Professor McGonagall. "Somehow, 'I told you so' just doesn't do it," he said, and they jumped onto each other and made out.

A boy name Fred stood up.

"Does this count as an inside joke?" he asked a group of kids sitting next to him.

A boy answered. His name was Graham. Graham his name was. "I think it does. Even though everyone knows it."

Harry stood up and walked over to this group of kids. "You guys know you don't go to school here, right?" The kid named Graham looked at him.

"Yeah," he said. "We're being chill." Another boy stood up. Stood up did he. His name was Izzy. He looked at everyone.

"What the fucking hell?" he asked, and immediately died.

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**A/N: **This got looooong and very random. Please please please please review!!!!


	3. Magically Enchantable

**Summary: ** The night was dark and stormy. And very random. RR!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. At all. And last time I forgot to mention that I didn't own any Harry Potter characters…so this time: I don't own any Harry Potter characters.

**A/N: **Thank you to all the people who did review my random and crazy story :D.

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It was a big night for Hermione. She was going on her first date. Her date included sitting across from a guy at dinner. She wanted it to be perfect, so she spent almost two hours getting ready. First, she took a bath. A nice long one in the prefect's bathroom. Then, she blow dried her hair straight. Very straight. After that, she tried to find something to wear. But she had no idea what she was supposed to wear. She took out all her clothes and put them on the bed, and then narrowed it down to two suitable outfits. One: a green dress with sparkly lights that looked like a Christmas tree. Two: a tight silver plastic-y spandex pantsuit. She tried on these outfits sixty times each, but came no closer to a decision. She called for Ginny's help.

"The silver outfit, definitely. Very hot," Ginny said knowledgeably. So, Hermione put it on. She looked very good, with her tight silver pantsuit and flipped out hair. She walked down to the Great Hall with Ginny.

"Ooooh, he is so dreamy!" Hermione said.

"What's his name again?" Ginny asked.

"Jesse Mc—"

Suddenly, Harry stood up. "What is an example of somebody who distracts?" he asked.

"IZZY!" said a boy named Eric.

"ERIC!" said a boy named Izzy.

"Let's vote!" said Harry excitedly.

"I vote Eric!" said a few people.

"I vote Izzy!" said a couple other people.

"I VOTE LEO DICAPRIO!" shouted out a girl named Erica.

Ginny shot a befuddled look at Hermione. Who were these people? And what were they doing at Hogwarts? She shrugged. The guy named Izzy was quite hot, in her highly esteemed opinion. She went over to flip her hair and fight over chairs with him. She had the strange feeling that she was acting like someone named Julia…

Meanwhile, Hermione had made her silver pantsuited way over to her date, Jesse. She sat down across from him. He had come all the way from California (My, oh my!) just to sit across the table from Hermione. And so he did. Sit across from Hermione, I mean. He said he liked her silver pantsuit. She said she liked his gopher hat. He called her Hermyown. She called him J-Mac. And then she ate him. Like Mac and Cheese.

It was snowing outside. At least, it looked that way. But no one could actually tell, because of the magically (pronounced mag-IC-ully) enchantable (that is SO a word…stupid Microsoft Word) ceiling. A girl named Alie looked at it.

"Hey! It's snowing outside! I love snow!" she yelled for the whole world to hear. The guy from the first chapter named 'Jub' burst out of the closet where he had been making out with some random slutty girl.

"I love snow too!" he screamed. "Let's hug!"

So him and the girl named Alie hugged and lived happily ever after like two peas in a pod…

Ron had decided he liked he sister Ginny and wanted to ravage her. He walked over to her.

"Hello, Ron. I would like to make a deal with you." Ginny said before he could speak.

"Oh, uh, sure," said Ron, mad that he couldn't ravage her.

"You make Parvati lose her virginity, and I'll give you think you want most but can't have."

"Oh, uh, what's that?" Ron asked.

"Me," she said, and looked down. "Down, dog," she said, and Ron got very mad at himself for letting his lower half give him away. Ginny walked away.

A girl named Kathryn was standing nearby. "I so said that first," she said, and ran off to kill that bizotch Ginny. Ron decided it would just be best to help Parvati lose her virginity, so he walked over to her. On the way he saw a bowl of salad. He put it on his head, and began to sing the Ballad of the Salad.

_One day the salad went for a walk. _

_And it met a wolf name Carrot. _

_And the salad and Carrot went for a walk. _

_And then they met a carrot named Wolf. _

_And then the carrot named Wolf ate them all and they diiiiieeeeedddd…._

_THE END!_

And then U2 came on the top of a truck and tried to show everyone how to dismantle an atomic bomb, but they couldn't do it and the atomic bomb blew up and killed everyone. Except for Bono's sunglasses, which lived to tell the horrific tale.

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**A/N: **I am officially deigned very random. REVIEW AND GET COOKIES!


	4. Ronnie Rasco

**Summary: ** The night was dark and stormy. And very random. R&R!

**Disclaimer: **No, seriously. I own nothing. Please. Believe me.

**A/N: **I have nothing to say. I've randomed myself out again. Please review!

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"YOU PUT YOU'RE RIGHT FOOT IN, YOU TAKE YOU'RE RIGHT FOOT, YOU PUT YOU'RE RIGHT FOOT IN AND SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT!" sang Ron as he entered the Great Hall.

"YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU TURN YOURSELF AROUND…THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Draco chimed in, but everybody stared at him and he felt stupid. So he shut up and stared at his hands, wondering when he could next go into a closet.

A man sat down at the Ravenclaw table. "Hello," he said. "My name is Reeves. Keanu Reeves." He whipped a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and put them on. A big booming voice came out of nowhere.

"HELL WANTS HIM," it said. "HEAVEN WON'T TAKE HIM. EARTH NEEDS HIM,"

"AND I LOVE HIM!" screamed a girl from the Ravenclaw table. Her name was Paige. She didn't realize she had screamed this out loud right in front of Keanu Reeves, so she felt very embarrassed. She and Draco were going to have to form a Stupid People's Club. Keanu Reeves suddenly jumped up and walked over to Paige.

"I love people who love me!" he exclaimed, then bent down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"

"Oh, YES!" Paige said, and jumped up and hugged him. They drove off into the sunset, and lived happily ever after.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore had set up a dance floor so people could dance. Hermione's parents had decided that a rival oil sheik was going to kidnap her, so they gave her 6 bodyguards that followed her everywhere. She wanted to dance, so her bodyguards got up and danced with her. Her face was completely hidden from view, so when Ron went up to ask her to dance, he stared at the one piece of her he could see. Which happened to be her boobs.

"Would you like to dance?" Ron asked.

"I only dance ballet," Hermione's boobs said.

"Oh, well. What a coikidink!" Ron responded, "I only dance ballet too!" The bodyguards spread apart to let Ron in. They formed a wide circle around the two, and Ron threw off his magically appearing jacket. Hermione grand jête-d in her way into his arms, and they proceeded to perform a part of Swan Lake. Ron ended on one knee with Hermione in the air above him.

"That was beautiful!" cried one of Hermione's body gaurds, wiping a tear from his left eye (his right eye couldn't tear because of an accident involving a pickaxe).

"Hermione!" Ron declared, "You have made me a man! For now and forever on I shall be known as Ronnie Rasco!" He magicked up a chair and sat down in it as the rest of the Hall came up to pay their respects to Ronnie Rasco.

Draco, however, did not like being upstaged by Ron (er, Ronnie). So, he decided to put a Top Secret Plan into effect. His Top Secret Plan involved his secret society. First, he would get everyone to wear the nice green pins. Then, at a certain hour and a certain minute and even a certain second he would make sure everyone screamed out "DRACO IS A SEXY BASTARD!" After that, he was positive, no one would care about Ron after that. They'd be too interested in him. He told his Top Secret Plan to Pansy, but those two weird unbelonging people, Izzy and Eric, overheard it and started laughing. "Go giggle in the back of the room, girls," he pouted.

"OOOHHHH!" Pansy screamed. "Feelin dissed, huh, huh?" Draco kissed her just for sticking up for him, and they moved slowly into the closet for the eleventy-twelfth time, Draco forgetting all about his Top Secret Plan.

Meanwhile, Ginny was having a bit of a problem. Two hot guys and just surrounded her. She should have been please, because guys never surround her, but there was something wrong with these guys. They were growling. And had very point teeth. And their faces were sort of, well, squished in. With lots of lines. Actually, they didn't look so hot anymore.

"Mmmmm. Juicy," one of the guys said. He moved in closer to Ginny, and was about to stroke her neck (Ginny had heard this meant the guy was interested in her), when a girl fell in from the ceiling. She knocked the guy off of Ginny, and punched him in the nose. The other guy came up to fight her, but she smashed him in the face with her foot. She swung around, taking a piece of wood out of her sleeve, and drove it into one of the guy's heart. The other guy watched on in horror, and only halfheartedly tried to combat the girl when she came for him. Both of the guys disappeared. The girl smiled, and turned to Ginny.

"My name is Buffy. Nice to meet you!" she said.

"Ginny. That's my name, don't wear it out," Ginny said in an attempt to sound suave. Just then, a nearby door was swung open. It hit Ginny in the head and knocked her out. Buffy bent down to help her, but froze as she saw who came out the door. It was Draco, and Buffy thought him to be the hottest man ever. She flicked the girl kissing his neck off of him like someone would flick a fly, and jumped on top of Draco.

"Let's go, hot stuff," Buffy said, and walked into the closet, slamming the door behind her.


	5. Li'l D is in the Hizzouse

**Disclaimer**: I don't own the Bad News Bears trailer, the Dukes of Hazzard trailer, southerness in general, the sixth Harry Potter from which I took an idea, Direct Effect, MTV, Russell or Kimora Lee Simmons, Marcia Gay Hardan, any of the tour & CD names, Willie Nelson, Pirates of the Caribbean, Princess Diaries, an assortment of rappers, and the Andy Milonakis show. Or any part of Harry Potter.  
**  
Author's Note**: Eh. Summer is so boring. The dog days of summer. And we're living in a Dogtown. And that's how it happened, that's how it started. A pina coloda (since that was Skip and Craig were drinking when they said that. Or was it something more mango-y?) to anyone who reviews. 

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Professor Severus Snape was lying in a chair drinking a strawberry daquiri and taking in the sun from the enchanted ceiling when Draco Malfoy walked up to him.  
"Er," he said, and when he got no reaction, he raised his voice. "Professor?"  
Snape opened one eye.  
"Shouldn't we be practicing?" Draco asked.  
"Yeah, yeah." Snape muttered, getting up and heading over to a red convertible. Suddenly, a women who looked remarkably like Marcia Gay Harden but wasn't because Fanfiction does not allow celebrities in stories.  
"Are you drinking?" she asked suspiciously, sniffing the air around Snape and then taking Draco by the shoulder.  
"No!" said Snape shockingly (**A/N**: that's not a word, is it?). "Because drinking and driving don't mix!"

Meanwhile, over at the Gryffindor table, Hermione was going around serving up butterbeers. Harry, who was the in the middle of having a deep conversation with Lavender, took a drink.  
"Woah!" he said, when he noticed who was serving them. Hermione had grown very ample over the summer. He took a look at her nametag, which read Dermione Dranger.  
"I notice your initials are double D!" he said, laughing at his own joke and feeling very, very smart. And witty. Hermione threw back her head and laughed with him. And then she punched him in the mouth. He fell over into the Slytherin table, where Crabbe and Goyle promptly began punching him.

Draco, who was getting the drinking and driving talk from NOT - Marcia - Gay - Harden was very sad to of missed this.

"YEEEHAWWW!" yelled Ron very suddenly, because the author was feeling very Southern. And that was when all hell broke loose. Not really, but just because that sounds very dramatic. But maybe we should start at the beginning. Actually, there is no beginning. But that's a nice opening line for the story that's about to be told.

See, one afternoon when Draco was lying with his head in Pansy's lap (**A/N**: J.K. Rowling must have been reading fanfics when she wrote the sixth book. Look how perfectly that fits) and watching Direct Effect on MTV, he got this brilliant idea. Now, he'd had a lot of brilliant ideas before, but this one definitely took the cake. He watched the gyrating girls and wished he had two or three of them beside him whenever he wanted. He watched the guys dripping with bling and wished he could look that hot. He watched the neon lights and the tricked out cars and wished he could be inside the television. So, the next night he went to his father.  
"Father," he said solemnly. "I have some grave but important news."  
"Oh no!" his father cried. "Did you disappoint the Dark Lord AGAIN?"  
"No."  
"Have you killed your best friend?"  
"No," sighed Draco.  
"AHA! Have you eaten all the cookies from the cookie jar?"  
"No!" Draco shouted. He did do that.  
"Did you impregnate another girl?"  
"Father," Draco rolled his eyes. "I want to be a rap star."  
"Oh," said Lucius. "Well, I'll talk to my good friend Russell about hooking you up."

And so Draco Malfoy became Li'l D, the rapper.

Tonight, as fact may be, was the opening night of Draco's, er, Li'l D's How To Dismantle An Anger Management While Learning How To Shut Up And Finding The One While Searching For Strawberry Fields Forever And Pimpin All Over The World And Singing Songs About Jane And By The Way Getting Justified At The Time But He Was Never Gone And Reading The Cookbook That Had X&Y On The Cover But Was No Way Involved In Any Monkey Business But London Calling Was In Your Honor And Not Meaning To Be A American Idiot But I'm A Hustla And I Come From Under The Cork Tree Tour. Draco, er, Li'l D was very excited about debuted his new album. The track he was performing tonight was to be his first single, and he and Russell had worked very had on it. Except when he stole Kimora Lee away to play tennis.

Sadly, it was strip tennis.

Dumbledore took the opportunity to stand up. "Hello, fellow Hogwartians," he said in a southern accent. He looked very much like Willie Nelson, and talked with the same southern accent. "We have a very, dery, SHPERRY special treat for you tonight. A young man by the name of Little Dee will be performing for you, and we think you shall like him very much. So, without further ado, let's get this party started!" He walked off stage and was seen by the Hufflepuff table (for they were the closest to the stage) to do a little jig and say "YEEHAW!"

And then, Draco took the stage.

"Yo, yo, yo!" he said, preemptively grabbing onto his balls. "The name's Li'l D, and I'm gonna drop some hot shit on ya'll tonight!"

But before he could get any more words out, the doors to the Great Hall burst open, and Russell Simmons strode in, followed by 50 Cent, The Game, Dr. Dre, Ludacris, Avril Lavigne, Fat Joe, Will Smith, Mike Jones, Li'l Tommy Q, The Black Eyed Peas, Ying Yang Twins, Hilary Duff, Missy Elliot, Ciara, R. Kelly, and Andy Milonakis.

Andy Milonakis?

Russell walked up to Draco. Li'l D. "So, bitch, got something ya want to tell me? Huh, huh? Been all up in my wife, haven't you? Huh, huh?"  
"Why you gettin all up in my face?" Draco whined in a very Draco-ish way.  
"Go for a walk, boys." Russell said in a sinister voice, which everyone took to mean, "Beat up this mofo, boys!"

And so they did.

Beat him up, I mean.

And so Draco, er, Li'l D met his match that day. He never talked about becoming a rapper again, and lived out his life to an old age when he was shot by Jack Sparrow while trying to commandeer the Black Pearl.

And that's Captain Jack Sparrow to you.


End file.
